I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some advice. My baby was born two months early and spent three weeks in the NICU. Her father ignored all my messages during my pregnancy and never visited her in the hospital. He has never met her, and she’s almost three months old now.
I recently filed for child support and sole custody, but he responded by asking for joint custody. I believe this is just retaliation for my child support request. He also asked for a paternity test. By the time we go to court, my daughter will be six months old.
I’ve tried to get him involved—asking him to attend doctor appointments and meet our baby, and even meet up to do the test he requested. Since I filed a petition to establish paternity (we weren’t married, and he wouldn’t sign the birth certificate), I’m worried the judge might overlook the time he chose not to bond with our child.
Is there a chance the judge will let him off the hook for this? How should I respond in court? I don’t feel it’s safe for him to be involved after being absent for so long, especially since babies need their primary caregiver during those early months.
No! Don’t establish paternity with him! Cancel the petition! If he’s not on the birth certificate, that child is completely yours. The amount of child support you might get isn’t worth the trouble.
I’m in a single moms group with about 3,000 members, and the stories about what fathers put women through are shocking. I’m so glad I never had the other parent involved legally. My daughter is 100% mine with my last name.
That happened to me when my child was 3.5 years old, and I didn’t ask for anything—he just decided to get involved.
You may have to give him custody, and most places will expect you to work toward 50/50. Even if he doesn’t communicate with you before the court date, the court will likely want to establish his custody rights. If he doesn’t respond after that, you still can’t deny him access when he tries again, even if it’s been years.
He might end up being a great dad. He could take the paternity test, confirm he’s the father, and become a supportive parenting partner. You really never know what’s going on in his life, so it might be worth giving him a chance.
I’m not a lawyer, but a quick Google search says that in California, a child can be considered abandoned if a parent hasn’t provided financial support or communicated for six months. Don’t ask for money or anything informally, and keep records of all communication to show he hasn’t tried to see your child. Make sure the court date is set for six months after paternity is established.
That’s true. Kids need their dads just as much as their moms, and vice versa. Be flexible and try to work things out. He is the father, and he has rights too.
The best thing I ever had was a deadbeat ex-husband who I was able to be down in court. I got full legal and physical custody of my child. I always gave him the opportunity to see her, which, of course he never took or barely took. Good luck my heart bleeds for you.
Keep every text and communication, especially the ones he hasn’t answered. It’s a good sign that he’s responding, even if he seems difficult. Joint custody might actually work out well. Just make sure you present everything related to your case in court, and you’ll be fine. You’ve got this…