Was recently granted 50/50 joint (legal and physical) custody of my daughter. The custody agreement does not outline vacations. I have the opportunity to take my daughter to Disney from December 26th to January 2nd. My high conflict baby mother’s time starts December 27th for her week. She is denying any propositions I give for swapping times to make it fair, and denying vacation for the reason of sticking to the schedule. Should I go to court to modify the agreement to outline vacation? Is this considered ‘not willing to co-parent’?
Background information: She has alienated and kept my daughter from me for the last 8 months, and I just recently saw her and got her back for the first time last Friday the 11th.
She’s allowed to say no. You have 50/50, there’s no reason to modify for vacations, just schedule them on your time. I doubt a judge would modify for this…you can’t just change the schedule every time you have a plan that doesn’t align with it.
Over time, your co-parent may be willing to make some concessions but she doesn’t have to and probably won’t if you throw a fit over this one.
Go back and get vacation time added to the agreement. Generally, it’s split for vacations/holidays, with the parents alternating year to year about what the other parent had last year.
It’s not considered ‘not willing to co-parent,’ it’s her parenting time, and she can say ‘no.’ That said, you should go back and get vacation time added to your agreement; although it likely won’t impact this trip.
NAL but if I were you, regardless of what the outcome of this vacation is, I’d talk to my attorney about adding language to the order that allows each parent a specific number of vacation days per year, whether used consecutively or not, with notice to the other parent. If there’s a scheduling conflict with vacation plans, parent A gets priority in even years, parent B in odd, and so forth. Things like this come up often because life doesn’t always follow your parenting plan, and that might help navigate situations like this in the future.
Your vacations are during your scheduled time. Mom doesn’t need to give you additional time so you can go on a trip. You’re going to be in a constant state of conflict until you realize the court isn’t there to settle petty disputes. It’s easier to plan things on the days you have them instead of always moving the goalposts to accommodate you. Be thankful you have 50/50 and stop trying to rock the boat.
@Smith
^^ this. The court can help avoid future conflict by getting things like the agreement confirmed in court. They are not there to settle issues that arose due to your not handling things in advance.
@stevemaguire
Yup, if he already has 50/50 then matters are done. Each parent has equal time with the kids; neither parent is going to get additional time because that’s not 50/50. OP needs to be an adult and make offers to make up time afterwards if they need extra days. If they don’t agree, then that’s their right.
OP should be happy they have 50/50 because it’s not something every parent gets. I’m fighting hard to get that, and my ex even attempted to have me imprisoned to prevent it. It baffles me why people want to rock the boat and create endless conflict. Focus on rebuilding your relationship with your children instead of fighting mom on everything.
@Smith
Having vacation time swaps built into the parenting agreement is the norm. They will put it into the agreement and get clarity for the future. That’s pretty standard.
Would like anyone who is concerned or just curious for themselves that I contacted my attorney - she suggested filing a modification since my BM is not willing to work with me. Thanks.
Soren said:
Would like anyone who is concerned or just curious for themselves that I contacted my attorney - she suggested filing a modification since my BM is not willing to work with me. Thanks.
Yes, because your attorney is getting paid for this. It’s not likely to go anywhere. Co-parent doesn’t have to ‘work with you’ on this since you have equal parenting time.
Soren said:
Would like anyone who is concerned or just curious for themselves that I contacted my attorney - she suggested filing a modification since my BM is not willing to work with me. Thanks.
How long ago were the custody orders made? I highly doubt that this will go far. You are really stirring the pot. It is mom’s time, and your lawyer should realize that. Just because you’re not getting your way doesn’t mean it will fly. You would need to have a pattern established since the custody order was put in place that shows mom denied visits with you. If this is the first instance, no judge is going to do a thing. This feels petty. You cannot expect mom to give up her time just so you can take your child on a vacation. You have other options to go to Disney in the future. You can’t say that the week after Christmas until New Year’s is the only time you have to take a vacation. Do not dwell on what happened prior to the court date; that is in the past. The judge established the custody arrangements already. You mentioned mom’s time starts December 27th to January 3rd or something similar, which is indeed mom’s time. Do you really think a judge would award you mom’s time? Also, since courts are so backed up with custody cases, it could take time to reach a judge, which may happen after your trip. I doubt you’ll make it to court before the vacation.
What propositions are you offering? It doesn’t seem like you’re offering anything in exchange and that you are gaining all the Christmas and New Year (she gets 9 days leading up, and then you get 17 days in a row when you’re meant to have 7 days each—that’s not a fair swap. You’re swapping 3 of your days for a full 7 days of hers.)
If you want to change it, you have to go through court; however, you may have better luck if you offered her the 25th, and then you have from the 26th (depending on what time you leave it may be the evening of the 25th), and then she goes to her mum’s slightly earlier (or even swap which week is which afterwards). 17 days is a long time for either parent not to see their child, and more importantly, it is a long time for the child not to see either parent (I know you say you didn’t see her for even longer, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be the bigger person now and think of your child above yourself.)
You are choosing the absolute worst time to go to Disney. The parks get so crowded that they close the gates, not allowing more people—sometimes as early as 10 AM. Wait times are ridiculous. It’s wall to wall people, and if you’ve never been to Disney (or your daughter hasn’t), this would be the worst time to go. You will do nothing but stand around in line all the time. It would be better to go during your week in January or February when the crowds are significantly lower and wait times are not as long for popular rides. I have been to Disney multiple times and would never go from December 23rd through January 2nd. It’s a lot of money for little enjoyment.
Have you tried offering a 2-for-1 exchange of time? Plug the schedule into a calendar app and identify any significant dates, like the mother’s birthday or another time she might appreciate a similar courtesy, and politely point out how this affects both of you while expressing your desire for a fair exchange?
@Drew
I have not, but I would be willing to offer this! All I did was propose a schedule that was somewhat even during the same time frame, but this is a good idea. Thanks!
Soren said: @Drew
I have not, but I would be willing to offer this! All I did was propose a schedule that was somewhat even during the same time frame, but this is a good idea. Thanks!
As a side note, anytime you propose a substitution, ensure you get documentation of the agreement. An email exchanged counts.
You - “Just to confirm our agreement, I’ll take Jr. from x to y and grant you double-time in return at a later date.”
Other Parent - “Yeah. I’d love to have Jr. from a to b as the exchange.”
As a divorced father who has finished raising children, ask nicely like you did, accept ‘no’ as an answer, and move on. Do not schedule anything with children during the partner’s time. Do not inform the children about the trip or any conflict.
@Sam
Yes, this. In a co-parenting book, it talks about asking for changes AND accepting ‘no.’ Don’t go to court over this; schedule any trips during your designated time. Hopefully, there will be school breaks and summer time outlined in the order.