I’ve been co-parenting with my ex for 15 years now. It hasn’t been easy, but lately things have gotten out of control. My ex didn’t like that I took our daughter out of school during finals for a vacation, but he never told me he disagreed. I had already arranged with the principal for her to take the finals when we got back. It was the only week I could get off for the whole year.
After I texted him to help her get to school to take the finals, he started yelling at me. She was staying with him, and the school is closer to him. Honestly, I should have handled it differently.
We’ve had other issues too. We had a verbal agreement about custody and which nights she would be with each of us. We were never married, and when I met my current husband, we moved just across the state line into Illinois, while my ex stayed in Missouri. Our daughter had already started school there, so I thought it was best to keep her there. I’ve been driving 30 minutes each way for school, pickups, and activities for the past 15 years.
But now, because of that vacation, they are denying me any visitation. I’ve always been there for my daughter. I’m not a perfect mom—I have ADHD and am on the autism spectrum—but I love her and have done everything I could to give her a good childhood. I am definitely not unfit.
To make things more complicated, my ex leaves the country every winter, saying he can’t handle St. Louis winters because of his depression. He thinks our daughter, who is 15, can decide to stay at his house whenever she wants. But her school is huge, and a lot can happen when she’s left alone.
Any advice on what I should do? Should I take legal action to bring her to my home? And one more thing—her dad has a 48-year-old friend living in his basement, and I really don’t want her around him. He gives me the creeps.
So just to clarify—you pulled her out of school during finals, then asked her dad to call the school to figure out when she could make them up? I get why he might be upset about that.
It sounds like you changed her schedule and then put the responsibility on him.
@Crosby
He was just sitting around watching TV, while I was swamped at work. I live 30 minutes away, and he lives 3 minutes away. She didn’t want to come back to my house because she was already at his. The way we do things, whoever has her that day takes care of her schedule.
Lael said:
You shouldn’t have taken her out of school for a vacation. She has breaks for that. And why should her dad call the school? Can’t she do it herself?
She refused to. You might not have teenagers—getting them to call anyone these days is like pulling teeth. And this was the only week we had. I didn’t want to leave any of my kids out.
@Dallas
She also kept texting me—47 texts in 3 hours and 17 calls. She wanted me to call for her, but I work in a call center and we were very busy. I couldn’t make any calls during work.
Dallas said: @Dallas
She also kept texting me—47 texts in 3 hours and 17 calls. She wanted me to call for her, but I work in a call center and we were very busy. I couldn’t make any calls during work.
It sounds like you’re making excuses for poor choices.
@Crosby
These are the facts. My behavior wasn’t poor—I was just unable to call at the time and asked him for help to get her to stop blowing up my phone.
You said, ‘because of the trip they deny me visitation’—who’s ‘they’? Make sure you keep a record of every attempt to contact your daughter and every time you’re refused.
It sounds like you need to go to court in Missouri to get legal custody sorted out.
Dallas said: @Hollis
I can’t afford a lawyer right now. I just bought a house, and my expenses are much higher than before.
If you can’t afford a lawyer, you could try filing pro se (representing yourself). My husband did that to get custody of his kids. He did a lot of research and put the paperwork together himself. He eventually paid $600 for a lawyer consultation to review everything. It’s not impossible, but you need to start right away.
@Hollis
The child has been living with her dad part or full-time for most of her life, and you moved to another state when she was 4. The chances of getting custody seem pretty low, especially since you haven’t been the primary caregiver.
@Galen
I’m also involved in her school and activities. Lately, she’s refusing to stay at my place when she should be, just so she can do whatever she wants when her dad is gone. Not all my visitation is denied, but it’s still an issue.