I’ve co-parented with my ex for 15 years. It’s been hard, but things have gotten out of control lately. He got really mad when I took my daughter out of school during finals for a vacation, but he never said anything to me about it before. I had already rescheduled her finals with the principal for when we got back, and it was the only week I could take off in the entire year.
He started yelling and insulting me after I texted him, asking him to call the school and get her there for her exams. She stayed with him that next week, and the school is in his district, so I thought it made sense for him to handle it. This is where I messed up.
There have been other issues too, like how we verbally agreed on a custody schedule. We were never married, but when I met my now husband 11 years ago, we moved right across the state line into Illinois. My ex lives in Missouri. Since our daughter had already started school there, I thought it was best to keep her there, and I’ve been driving 30 minutes each way for school drop-offs, pickups, and activities for the last 15 years.
Now, because of the trip, they won’t let me have any visitation. I’m not perfect, but I’m loving, and I’ve given my daughter everything I didn’t have growing up. I can’t see how anyone could say I’m unfit.
To make it more complicated, my ex now goes out of the country every winter because he says he can’t deal with St. Louis winters. He thinks our daughter is mature enough to stay at his house whenever she wants while he’s gone. She’s only 15! Her school is big, and so much can go wrong.
Any advice on what to do? Should I try to take legal action to get her to live with me? One more thing: her dad is 48 and still has his high school best friend living in the basement. No way can I let my daughter stay there. The guy gives me a bad feeling too.
Just to be clear, you pulled your daughter out of school during finals, but you talked to the principal and rescheduled her exams. Then, after changing her schedule, you asked her dad to handle the school stuff? It sounds like you’re not taking responsibility for the situation, which might be why he’s upset.
@Arie
He was just watching TV, while I was swamped at work. I live 30 minutes away, and he lives only 3 minutes away from the school. She also didn’t want to come to my place since she’d just spent time with him. Whoever has her that day or night handles her schedule.
You shouldn’t have taken her out of school for a vacation. There are school breaks for that. And her dad shouldn’t need to call the school to figure out her schedule. Isn’t she old enough to handle that herself?
@Ainsley
She refused. Maybe you don’t have teenagers right now, but getting them to make a phone call is like pulling teeth. It was the only week we had available all year. I wasn’t going to leave any of my kids out.
@Vince
She also kept texting me that day—47 texts in 3 hours, plus 17 calls—trying to push me to call. I work in a call center, and we were super busy. I just couldn’t make calls while at work.
Vince said:
@Vince
She also kept texting me that day—47 texts in 3 hours, plus 17 calls—trying to push me to call. I work in a call center, and we were super busy. I just couldn’t make calls while at work.
It seems like you’re making a lot of excuses for your choices.
@Arie
These aren’t excuses, they’re facts. I just couldn’t call at the time and asked him for help to get her to stop harassing me.
“Because of the trip they now deny me any visitation.”
Who exactly is “they”? Make sure you keep records of all your attempts to contact your daughter and any times you’re refused.
“Like having a verbal agreement of custody…”
You need to try to get legal custody in Missouri.
@Isle
“They” are my daughter and her father.
Vince said:
@Isle
“They” are my daughter and her father.
She’s old enough for the court to listen to her preference, so make sure this is really what you want to do.
Vince said:
@Isle
“They” are my daughter and her father.
She’s old enough for the court to listen to her preference, so make sure this is really what you want to do.
Not in Missouri. They have to be 18.
@Vince
The court can still consider her preference.
@Isle
I can’t afford a lawyer right now. I just bought a house, and it’s way more than I was paying before.
Vince said:
@Isle
I can’t afford a lawyer right now. I just bought a house, and it’s way more than I was paying before.
Are you planning to file on your own? You can find a lot of information online to help you put the documents together. Many circuit court clerks and law libraries have templates. My husband did this when he filed for custody of his kids. It took a lot of work, like a part-time job for a few months. Before filing, he paid $600 for an attorney consultation to review his paperwork.
It is possible, but you need to start right away!
@Isle
Thanks. I’m going to file.
@Isle
Your advice doesn’t make much sense to me. The daughter has been living with the father at least part-time since she was born, and OP moved out of state when she was 4 (15 minus 11). I doubt a court would give custody to OP now, especially since it seems like OP doesn’t handle day-to-day care.
@Amari
We’ve had 50/50 custody for 15 years. I’m very involved, and I’ve put a lot of money into taking care of her. I can prove it.
@Amari
I do have involvement in school and all activities. She’s refusing to come here on some of her scheduled nights to do whatever she wants while he’s gone. So not all visitation is denied.
@Amari
I’m not saying you should be the primary custodial parent.
You need to file for a formal custody agreement in court to protect your rights.
You’ve been a part of your daughter’s life, and you need legal paperwork to make sure that continues.