Hello, I’m in desperate need of advice. I am currently a stay-at-home mom of a 14-month-old beautiful baby boy. I was a high school teacher with a bachelor’s and a post-graduate degree. I worked my entire life but gave up my career to take care of my family. I married my husband in June 2023. Everything was fine until this past summer when my life became very difficult. My husband wants to live a bachelor lifestyle, drinking with his brothers and cousins every weekend and even after work. I am against drinking and driving, and he does this every day. I feel like a single mom, as it’s always just me and the baby.
In July, I suggested separating, and he moved out on July 31st, saying he’d see the baby on Sundays. However, he rarely shows up and when he does, he’s usually hungover. He takes the baby out for a couple of hours while I’m a wreck at home, not knowing if my baby is being well cared for. He moved back home on August 31st, claiming he couldn’t pay rent for both places (he pays all the bills at our apartment).
My husband doesn’t take care of the baby, doesn’t know his pediatrician, and has no idea about his routines. He’s from a culture where men typically don’t take care of kids or the home. I need to move from Colorado to New Mexico when my lease is up in November. My parents have a large house, my mom can watch the baby, and I can return to my profession. I can offer my son the stability that my husband can’t due to his excessive drinking, which he denies.
I want to move to New Mexico, and I have proof through text messages that my husband is aware and agrees to this move. He also agreed to meet in different cities in the state where he won’t run into border patrol checkpoints. I want him involved in our son’s life, but he can’t provide a stable and healthy home. My question is, with the proof and his acknowledgment, could he stop me from moving to New Mexico in November? He says he doesn’t want to involve the courts, but I want to be prepared just in case. I plan to get a job as soon as I arrive, save money, and buy a home for my son and me. I also intend to file for divorce once we’re in NM. Any advice would be appreciated!
Whit said:
If he isn’t here legally, how did you get married legally?
In Colorado, you can get married regardless of immigration status. I’m a US citizen, so I only needed to provide my driver’s license, and he provided his passport.
You need to see an attorney before you move. Your husband could see an attorney and force you to move your child back. Be smart about this; you could lose primary custody.
Mal said:
You need to see an attorney before you move. Your husband could see an attorney and force you to move your child back. Be smart about this; you could lose primary custody.
Even with proof that he knows and is okay with me moving? I’m scared he might do something to hurt me, like trying to keep me here.
@Peyton
This is why you hire an attorney. Go through proper channels. If you want to avoid drama, do it legally. Then you leave with the paperwork in place for support and custody.
Mal said: @Peyton
This is why you hire an attorney. Go through proper channels. If you want to avoid drama, do it legally. Then you leave with the paperwork in place for support and custody.
Yes, that makes sense. I’d rather do it legally, but I don’t have money since he withholds it from me. I’m thinking about getting a credit card to hire an attorney.
Lisa said:
Just go. He doesn’t sound like he cares. Get a job, establish residency, and stay in therapy.
Thank you! I’m scared because he says he’ll get a lawyer and make me stay in Colorado. My plan is to move, establish residency, and file for divorce in 6 months. I’m scared he’ll try to stop me from leaving.
Stop caring about what he wants; he hasn’t cared about you or the baby for a long time. Put what’s best for you and your child first. If he cares, he’ll show up. But the more you baby him, the more he’ll take advantage. Your baby is what matters now.
@Cary
Thank you! My baby is all that matters, which is why I’m moving. I was scared he’d get a lawyer and force me to stay in CO. I need to focus on my son, and if my ex shows up for him, he will. If not, I’ll always be there for my baby.
I’m from NM and live in AZ. I share a daughter with my ex in NM. We’ve crossed the border countless times without issues. They don’t search unless you give them a reason. It sounds like he’s making excuses. He can’t stop you from moving. What could he possibly do? He’s undocumented and likely won’t put in the effort to retain a lawyer. You need to do what’s best for you and your child.
@Cary
I’m moving to Southern NM near the border. My husband crossed illegally about 4 years ago, so he says he can’t visit due to border checkpoints. I’m too nice; I want my baby to have a dad, but he’s selfish with his choices. It hurts that he prefers drinking over being with us. I’m ready to move on; my support system is in NM.