I’m trying to organize my thoughts before I bore anyone with details. My ex-husband and I have a one-year-old son together, and we recently separated and are planning to divorce after multiple cases of emotional abuse, coercive control, and his infidelity. Before he left, I was my son’s primary caregiver despite us living together. He’s a police officer who works night shifts starting at 4 PM. I’m an educator who works mornings to early afternoons. He never took responsibility for our child in the mornings so he could sleep in. My mother took care of my son while I worked, and I took over once I got home, but she helped with household chores so I could focus on my baby. He did nothing. Even on his days off, he spent time with friends. Besides not being responsible for our son, he has asthma and sleep apnea. He often has night terrors, including screaming, grabbing, throwing himself, running to the window, and unlocking doors to go outside. Now that he lives alone, he sees our son about twice a month for half an hour and has taken him a few times over the last three months for a few hours before bringing him back. I haven’t put him on child support because I’m afraid he’ll retaliate by asking for 50/50 custody or overnights. He lives in a place where, if he has a sleep apnea episode and unlocks the doors, my son could get out and walk into traffic. I know he’ll retaliate because he once got angry when I had friends over, refused to bring my son home, and called the police when I tried to get him. Ultimately, I want my baby to have a stable home and be safe. Do I have any case for getting residential or primary custody of my baby?
You may have a strong case for getting primary residential custody. As for a visitation schedule, he has rights to see the baby, and if he wants to see him, he will need to respond to your petition for custody and go to court. Not asking for child support may help ensure your baby doesn’t have to spend more time with his father, putting him at risk. However, not addressing visitation leaves it open for him to keep your child if he wants to control you. It’s important to have evidence of his disinterest in visitation, like texts or emails with timestamps. Does he have a sleep study to prove his sleep issues? Do you have video of him leaving the house during these episodes? Gather all this before filing for custody. What if you ask for a small amount in child support instead of nothing to help with expenses? If you receive state help, they will automatically put him on child support.
Your child deserves financial support from both parents. Document his inability or unwillingness to parent and how little time he spends with your child. Even in states with a standard 50/50 split, the best interests of the child are considered. If he asks for 50/50 and gets it, he may not actually take it. Document everything and return to court to record his actual time with the child and adjust child support accordingly.
Document everything. Print out texts, emails, and photos that support your case. Document everything he provides for your son, what he brings versus what he was asked for. Record his episodes and any form of abuse. Have your mother write a statement about her support for your child and her observations. File for full custody and child support as soon as possible! Document any retaliation. If you have to call the police for harassment or threats, document it. If needed, file a Temporary Restraining Order. When you go to court, ask for supervised visitation due to his episodes, explaining that his mother’s home is unsafe. Your main goal is to protect your child at all costs. I’ve been in your situation. Feel free to message me if you have questions or reply here. Good luck!
Keep detailed records of how little he currently sees the child.
Settle custody first, then use that order to get child support.
I recommend keeping all communication through texts rather than phone calls. Text as if the judge will read all your messages. Be respectful and keep him updated on anything about your child, like appointments.
@Jesse
Thank you for responding and making me feel seen. I always let him see our son, even for 10 minutes while he’s on break. He has open visitation to avoid backlash in court. I consult him about everything regarding our son so he can’t claim I keep him out of the loop. I’ve asked for primary custody, but he refuses. He wants our current situation, where he can see our son whenever he wants without any support. He provides what I ask but picks and chooses what to bring. For example, I’ll ask for shoes and groceries, and he’ll bring six pairs, some yogurt, and two gallons of milk to last until his next payday. The rest goes to outings and vacations. I want to put him on child support to save money for my son’s needs. I know he’ll retaliate with more custody demands, but the environment he offers won’t be safe, and he knows it. It’s out of spite. Do you think I have grounds for residential custody?
@Oliver_james
Yes. Everything you wrote supports your case. Also, have your mother write a statement explaining her routine and what she provides. Put him on child support. Can you afford an attorney?
Micah said:
@Oliver_james
Yes. Everything you wrote supports your case. Also, have your mother write a statement explaining her routine and what she provides. Put him on child support. Can you afford an attorney?
I can’t afford an attorney alone, but my parents support me as I helped them. Anything to keep my son safe.
@Oliver_james
This will be part of the divorce process, establishing a parenting plan and child support. Hopefully, you can get him to agree to a suitable visitation schedule. In the meantime, file a motion for temporary orders. Write a declaration to support your motion. Your mother can write one too. Take a breath. It will be okay. 
@Oliver_james
I suggest consulting a family law attorney first. Have you filed for divorce yet?
You have a case for being the primary parent. More than likely, you will maintain primary custody, and dad will get visitation. You might get joint custody in terms of both having the right to make decisions for your son.
He has open visitation now just to avoid the court thinking I’m preventing him from seeing our son. He only seeks to take him if his mother wants to see him because I don’t allow him to take our son to her house. She lets her underage kids have friends over and provides alcohol. That’s not an environment I want for my child.
@Oliver_james
Wow, is he a police officer? I’d pursue custody and then file for child support after that is settled, so he can’t ask for 50/50. It really depends on the judge; some listen to evidence, while others want to do 50/50.