I’ve been fighting a custody battle for 15 years with my child’s mother, who is a hoarder. CPS has been involved multiple times for child neglect, and now, once again, she and her lawyer are dragging me back to court with more accusations. I’m exhausted.
I’m seriously thinking about leaving—just buying a ticket and disappearing for a while. I’ve never done that before, but I’m wondering… what happens if I don’t show up to court? What if I just stop paying my lawyer, skip mediation, and take some time away? Would I lose custody completely? How long could I be gone before everything falls apart?
My son is the only reason I’ve stayed in this place, but nothing is getting better. Every time CPS gets involved, I find out things have gotten worse. He’s growing up, and the conditions at his mom’s place are destroying his confidence and social life. It’s not fair to him.
What’s the right thing to do for both of us? Am I making things worse by staying and fighting, or would taking a break be a mistake?
Don’t leave. Get support for yourself, but stay. Be at every school event, every game, every performance—anything he does in public, be there. If you can encourage him to join more activities, do it. Build a support system for him outside of his home—friends, teachers, extended family.
If home life is terrible, having outside support can be a lifeline. You probably feel like nothing you do matters, but that’s not true. Just being there makes a difference. Don’t get caught up in how the court sees you or if you feel like an ‘extra’ parent. Just show up.
Feed him, support him, teach him what a stable life looks like.
Don’t walk away. If you need a break, take a short one, but don’t disappear.
Depends on your state. Some places let kids decide where they want to live at 15. Your son is already dealing with a lot—don’t abandon him. That will hurt him more than anything. Just hang in there. Three more years and he can legally choose to live with you, or you can move together. Be there for him now so he knows he has a safe place when he’s ready to leave his mom’s house.
If you leave for a couple of months, you could probably come back and still have your custody rights. But if you disappear for longer than that, you’re basically giving up your place as the primary parent.
You might be able to get full custody because of the conditions at his mom’s place. But that probably means staying put so you can handle court and visitation arrangements.
Sounds like you just needed to vent, and that’s okay. But don’t skip court. Don’t walk away from your child. You’ve fought this long—don’t stop now. Look into therapy or a support group to help you cope, but don’t give up. Keep things as neutral as possible and don’t get drawn into unnecessary fights.
@James
Thanks, I really needed to get that off my chest. Maybe I should start therapy again—at least I’d have someone to talk to. Running away sounds tempting, but I don’t think I could do it without knowing my son was okay with it, or that there was truly nothing else I could do.
@Devon
Your son is 15, right? He has some options. Has he talked to a school counselor? Reported his mom and stepdad to CPS himself? If he showed up at your place and told the police he refuses to go back because it’s unsafe, what would happen? He’s old enough that they can’t physically force him to stay somewhere dangerous.