Hello, I (27F) and my soon-to-be ex (31M) have a son who just turned 3 months old. We split shifts where I sleep from 8-1, and he sleeps from 1-8. Since our son was about 1 month old, my soon-to-be ex gets extremely frustrated when our baby cries during his shift. I often hear him raising his voice and cussing. He says things like:
‘What the f***’
‘I don’t know what else the f*** you want’
‘You f***ing dislike me like your mom’
This starts within 30 minutes of me going to bed. We have a Nanit monitor, so all these interactions are recorded, and I’ve saved them. Can I use these recordings in court to request supervised visits or at least require anger management? I want to leave but don’t want my child in a hostile environment part-time. At least right now, I can act as a buffer.
For context, I never saw this behavior before. My partner always wanted children, and I was hesitant, but we had an accident baby (condom broke). He was amazing with his nieces and nephews, so I’m shocked. However, I need to do what’s best for my child while he works through whatever is going on.
Also, I’ve tried everything I can think of to help. I give him an hour after work before asking him to hold the baby. I watch the baby for 16 hours straight while on maternity leave, and we have two overlapping hours before I go to bed. When I try to help during his shift, he either yells at me and refuses to give me the baby or storms away, slamming doors. Most recently, I tried discussing it 24 hours after an incident, and he responded with, ‘Yep, I’m stupid and the worst dad in the world.’ When I tried to have a real conversation, he said he had no interest in talking.
I don’t have legal advice, but have you considered that he may have postpartum depression? PPD isn’t exclusive to women. If this is a drastic change in his behavior, he may need mental health help. A lawyer can help you navigate this.
Different states have different laws regarding recorded conversations. You should consult a lawyer—many offer free consultations. Given the situation, I’d get legal help regardless.
Has he physically harmed the child, or is it just language? If yelling alone were enough for supervised visits, many parents would lose access to their kids.
You need to find out if your state requires one-party or two-party consent for recordings. If he knows he’s being recorded, you should be in the clear.
Attorney here (not in your jurisdiction). Illinois is a one-party consent state for recordings. However, since you are not part of the recorded conversation, this could be an issue. If your partner is aware of the nanny cam and knows it records, that could help its admissibility. To be sure, consult an attorney.
He wasn’t ready for how a baby would change his life. He doesn’t know what to do or how to fix things. Men often want to identify a problem and solve it—this isn’t a problem he can ‘fix.’
That’s not an excuse. He needs to get his act together, grow up, and be a father. The baby didn’t ask to be born. If he cares, he’ll get help. If not, good riddance.
Nothing you’ve said sounds extreme enough to warrant supervised visits. Parents get frustrated. Focus on helping your kid, not on cutting the father out.
This sounds very dangerous for your baby. Yelling, cursing, and slamming doors are warning signs. You need to supervise at all times until you’re separated. This is how babies get hurt.
For real, the guy is stressed and sleep-deprived. While his behavior isn’t okay, he’s adjusting to fatherhood. He’s working all day, coming home to care for a newborn, and getting limited sleep. You at least have some opportunity to rest during the day when the baby naps—he doesn’t.
Also, I hope the judge doesn’t accept your recordings. If they weren’t legally obtained, this could backfire.
Your husband may resent that you’ve bonded with the baby while he hasn’t. That’s not your fault. His anger won’t help him bond, though. The court may require psychological testing or therapy. Make sure to tell them about the recordings. Was he aware he was being recorded?
I had recordings of my ex-wife’s behavior, but my lawyer told me to destroy them because they weren’t legal in New York. However, a psychiatrist who did our custody evaluation wanted to hear them. If your partner knows about the nanny cam, he likely can’t argue against it.
I disagree. The baby is only 3 months old, and she hasn’t left him alone with his dad. She’s actively planning to leave. She’s handled this well. However, the recordings’ admissibility depends on state laws. If this escalates, it could justify supervised visits.
Illinois requires divorcing parents to go through mediation. Even if the recordings aren’t admissible in court, they might be useful in mediation. Work with a good family law attorney.
Also, prepare for emergencies. Pack a go-bag with essentials (IDs, birth certificate, insurance info, and evidence of his outbursts). Store it off-site with someone you trust. Research shelters in case you need to leave quickly.
If necessary, get an order of protection, but don’t rely on that alone.