I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. My ex husband walked out in 2008 when our son was 6. He moved away in another country for a year and then moved around to 3 different states before settling into one for the past 10 years or so. He is highly educated and I estimate he makes significantly upwards of 200k/year.
When we divorced we didn’t have lawyers. I waived child support on the account that I was making 100k/year and the judge agreed. I kept paying for his cell phone. Car insurance and didn’t get any child support for a few years and once he felt more secure he started paying $200 then $500 for a long time based on our informal agreement.
When our son got into college he said he’ll not send the $500 but save it for him. Our son is a senior in college and my ex proudly texted me that he saved about $25k and will give it to him as graduation gift. He hasn’t seen the kid in 9 years but they talked on the phone about once a month or so.
My ex recently visited l son in the town son had his summer internship and all was ok until my son told him he was gay. Ex didnt react badly but later expressed to me deep disappointment and considerably slowed down communication with son via text or phone. Only one message since.
Now I worry ex won’t give son the promised money, because he’s gay.
Given he hasn’t paid child support and this was the agreed amount he said he’d save, can I sue him for that money to force him to give it to our son? Or because I initially waived child support in 2009 when he wasn’t making much and then we informally agreed later on everything without courts being involved , it would not be possible? I don’t want one cent for myself but I think my son is owed at least that much and I would like to be prepared. Ty
At the end of the day your child is now a grown adult and the father doesn’t owe him anything financially. It is his money and if he decided not to give it to your son then that’s how it is.
Ellery said:
At the end of the day your child is now a grown adult and the father doesn’t owe him anything financially. It is his money and if he decided not to give it to your son then that’s how it is.
Ellery said:
At the end of the day your child is now a grown adult and the father doesn’t owe him anything financially. It is his money and if he decided not to give it to your son then that’s how it is.
Yup. Sounds like it.
Yeah. I get that can be devastating to hear and is not ideal behaviour from the father but it is how it is. In my opinion it’s why children should never be told oh we’re saving money for you for this and that. Life happens and things change.
Cai said: Ellery said:
At the end of the day your child is now a grown adult and the father doesn’t owe him anything financially. It is his money and if he decided not to give it to your son then that’s how it is.
Yup. Sounds like it.
Yeah. I get that can be devastating to hear and is not ideal behaviour from the father but it is how it is. In my opinion it’s why children should never be told oh we’re saving money for you for this and that. Life happens and things change.
Yeah I agree. In this case it’s really not about the money, we (son, me and my current husband) are more fortunate than most people in this country. It’s about the abandonment /rejection and I was getting angry for him hurting my son and wanting to maybe lessen that hurt. If he never said it I would not care.
If ex said 4 years ago, I won’t pay the $500 because I don’t know, I need to repair my roof or just I don’t think i should pay over age 18, it would have been a non issue. I never asked him for his money and when he said I can’t pay this month I said fine. We didn’t need his $500. It was more symbolic, like saying I care at least a tiny bit.
. So I agree he shouldn’t have said it. Now if he doesn’t do it it’ll be because our son is gay. Even if he says I won’t do it because whatever disaster happened at work or with one of his houses, it would still be hard to believe it’s not because our son is gay, Because of the low contact.
In the end I’ll have a series of chats with my son and hope emotionally things turn out better than hoped. I’m actually concerned about the rejection and his father stepping back in communication. But in the end, I think the father will come around simply because he is alone, has no family and will get old.
Ellery said: Cai said: Ellery said:
At the end of the day your child is now a grown adult and the father doesn’t owe him anything financially. It is his money and if he decided not to give it to your son then that’s how it is.
Yup. Sounds like it.
Yeah. I get that can be devastating to hear and is not ideal behaviour from the father but it is how it is. In my opinion it’s why children should never be told oh we’re saving money for you for this and that. Life happens and things change.
Yeah I agree. In this case it’s really not about the money, we (son, me and my current husband) are more fortunate than most people in this country. It’s about the abandonment /rejection and I was getting angry for him hurting my son and wanting to maybe lessen that hurt. If he never said it I would not care.
If ex said 4 years ago, I won’t pay the $500 because I don’t know, I need to repair my roof or just I don’t think i should pay over age 18, it would have been a non issue. I never asked him for his money and when he said I can’t pay this month I said fine. We didn’t need his $500. It was more symbolic, like saying I care at least a tiny bit.
. So I agree he shouldn’t have said it. Now if he doesn’t do it it’ll be because our son is gay. Even if he says I won’t do it because whatever disaster happened at work or with one of his houses, it would still be hard to believe it’s not because our son is gay, Because of the low contact.
In the end I’ll have a series of chats with my son and hope emotionally things turn out better than hoped. I’m actually concerned about the rejection and his father stepping back in communication. But in the end, I think the father will come around simply because he is alone, has no family and will get old.
Sorry but if you’re viewing money as necessary to have a positive relationship you need help.
That’s honestly what that comment comes across as.
Cai said: Ellery said: Cai said: Ellery said:
At the end of the day your child is now a grown adult and the father doesn’t owe him anything financially. It is his money and if he decided not to give it to your son then that’s how it is.
Yup. Sounds like it.
Yeah. I get that can be devastating to hear and is not ideal behaviour from the father but it is how it is. In my opinion it’s why children should never be told oh we’re saving money for you for this and that. Life happens and things change.
Yeah I agree. In this case it’s really not about the money, we (son, me and my current husband) are more fortunate than most people in this country. It’s about the abandonment /rejection and I was getting angry for him hurting my son and wanting to maybe lessen that hurt. If he never said it I would not care.
If ex said 4 years ago, I won’t pay the $500 because I don’t know, I need to repair my roof or just I don’t think i should pay over age 18, it would have been a non issue. I never asked him for his money and when he said I can’t pay this month I said fine. We didn’t need his $500. It was more symbolic, like saying I care at least a tiny bit.
. So I agree he shouldn’t have said it. Now if he doesn’t do it it’ll be because our son is gay. Even if he says I won’t do it because whatever disaster happened at work or with one of his houses, it would still be hard to believe it’s not because our son is gay, Because of the low contact.
In the end I’ll have a series of chats with my son and hope emotionally things turn out better than hoped. I’m actually concerned about the rejection and his father stepping back in communication. But in the end, I think the father will come around simply because he is alone, has no family and will get old.
Sorry but if you’re viewing money as necessary to have a positive relationship you need help.
That’s honestly what that comment comes across as.
Really? This comment came across as believing that the father sent a token amount of money rather than having any semblance of a relationship and OP saying “well, at least they made that effort” but now they’re going back on their word because the child they have zero relationship didn’t turn out how they want. And the worst part, son will likely feel that their bio dad is homophobic and disapproves of them.
Idk, if I’ve learned anything over the past two years, take him to court. Even if it’s not fair, even if you don’t stand a chance. He will either give you the money or spend it in court costs. Or just ask him I suppose, but the legal system can definitely mess with him if you want. If not money, a total mind fuck. But don’t come out expecting friends or anything.
There will be a lawyer who will take your case, although hopeless, if you choose.
Val said:
Idk, if I’ve learned anything over the past two years, take him to court. Even if it’s not fair, even if you don’t stand a chance. He will either give you the money or spend it in court costs. Or just ask him I suppose, but the legal system can definitely mess with him if you want. If not money, a total mind fuck. But don’t come out expecting friends or anything.
There will be a lawyer who will take your case, although hopeless, if you choose.
Idk, I waived child support initially because he wasn’t making much and I even continued to help my ex with some expenses like cell and car insurance. and even later on when he got on his feet and started making more than me, I just let him pay whatever he felt he could instead of going to court, only to keep it conflict free for the sake of the kid. For that reason we never had conflict, I let him do whatever he wanted so we don’t get stressed. And I had the pride that we don’t need him.
I was actually thinking just to threaten him so he does pay my son and my son isn’t hurt by this switch due to his coming out. Also not fair he gets to walk out and don’t see his child and have it easy, and now decide because my son is gay he can reject him again, but it may be all futile.
My son is all set with his future, has an incredible start, and that money will not make their relationship better if it’s not meant to be better. It may actually be better ex doesn’t give him anything so later on when ex needs the kid , he doesn’t get to say that he’s paid off . I gave you 25k so now you are obligated to help me. Truth be told my ex doesn’t deserve a relationship with my son, but I was still hoping my son has a good relationship with my ex, for my son’s sake, not my ex’s.
Val said:
Idk, if I’ve learned anything over the past two years, take him to court. Even if it’s not fair, even if you don’t stand a chance. He will either give you the money or spend it in court costs. Or just ask him I suppose, but the legal system can definitely mess with him if you want. If not money, a total mind fuck. But don’t come out expecting friends or anything.
There will be a lawyer who will take your case, although hopeless, if you choose.
Idk, I waived child support initially because he wasn’t making much and I even continued to help my ex with some expenses like cell and car insurance. and even later on when he got on his feet and started making more than me, I just let him pay whatever he felt he could instead of going to court, only to keep it conflict free for the sake of the kid. For that reason we never had conflict, I let him do whatever he wanted so we don’t get stressed. And I had the pride that we don’t need him.
I was actually thinking just to threaten him so he does pay my son and my son isn’t hurt by this switch due to his coming out. Also not fair he gets to walk out and don’t see his child and have it easy, and now decide because my son is gay he can reject him again, but it may be all futile.
My son is all set with his future, has an incredible start, and that money will not make their relationship better if it’s not meant to be better. It may actually be better ex doesn’t give him anything so later on when ex needs the kid , he doesn’t get to say that he’s paid off . I gave you 25k so now you are obligated to help me. Truth be told my ex doesn’t deserve a relationship with my son, but I was still hoping my son has a good relationship with my ex, for my son’s sake, not my ex’s.
$25K just isn’t a big amount long term. My boyfriend is going through an all debt divorce and they are up to $100K between the two of them over the years. Now the ex is also asking for legal fees. . You can be as ridiculous as you want if you are in America.
Idk, sounds like keeping the peace is worth a POSSIBLE $25K. But I promise if you wanna get dirty, you can.
Sorry, but is what it is. You should’ve gotten court ordered child support, but it’s the past now. Just be there for your son. He’s going to need the emotional support.
In general, promises are lovely, but unless they’re legally binding, they often don’t hold much water in court. You and your ex didn’t have a formal child support agreement on record, which could make things tricky. You waived child support early on, and even though you had an informal agreement later, courts tend to like things written down with all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. So, the $500 payments and this supposed “saved up” $25k? Not formally on the books. You might have a tough time enforcing that in court.
Yes, you can try to pursue legal action, but the informal nature of your agreement might make it difficult. On the emotional front, though, it’s worth helping your son find peace and confidence regardless of what his father does. Maybe encourage open communication between them if it’s safe to do so, but also help him prepare for the possibility that this money might not come through.
Ren said:
In general, promises are lovely, but unless they’re legally binding, they often don’t hold much water in court. You and your ex didn’t have a formal child support agreement on record, which could make things tricky. You waived child support early on, and even though you had an informal agreement later, courts tend to like things written down with all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. So, the $500 payments and this supposed “saved up” $25k? Not formally on the books. You might have a tough time enforcing that in court.
Yes, you can try to pursue legal action, but the informal nature of your agreement might make it difficult. On the emotional front, though, it’s worth helping your son find peace and confidence regardless of what his father does. Maybe encourage open communication between them if it’s safe to do so, but also help him prepare for the possibility that this money might not come through.
Thank you. Yeah I hope they can have a half decent relationship going forward but that remains to be seen. I’ll be here as always.
Sorry, but is what it is. You should’ve gotten court ordered child support, but it’s the past now. Just be there for your son. He’s going to need the emotional support.
Yes, of course. Son doesn’t even need that money (well except like any young person starting out could benefit from help ), but it would be hurtful to promise and not deliver for the reason that our son is gay. It would be like double abandonment.
I’m 50/50 he’ll actually pay up because he doesn’t have other children or family and he may think he may need help when he’s old, gay or straight son.
. You can be as ridiculous as you want if you are in America.