My boyfriend has a newborn with me and also a toddler with his ex. Right after our baby was born, his ex put an NCO (no-contact order) on him. In court, the judge asked her if she had anyone she trusted to handle the exchange when they switch off their child, and she said no. The judge then asked my boyfriend, and he named at least 10 different people, but she rejected every single one. The judge basically gave up and said they’d have to figure it out later because she was being so unreasonable. He pays over $400 every month in child support. What can he do to actually see his son?
Try suggesting someone from her side—her mom, her sibling, or someone she trusts. If that doesn’t work, maybe a police station could be an option.
Since she’s rejecting every option, maybe he should push for full custody himself. Then he would get to decide who does the pickups and drop-offs, and she’d be the one paying child support.
He could look into neutral exchange locations. One option is having her drop the child off at daycare or school, and then he picks up from there. Another option is using a third party who’s already known to the child to do the handoff. If neither of those work, they could pick a public place with cameras, like Target or Walmart. Also, getting a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents could help keep all communication strictly about the child.
@Miller
A police station could work too. That’s what my family did for my nephew after dealing with domestic abuse issues.
A couple of ways to solve this:
- One of them makes a list of 3-5 people, and the other picks from that list.
- If she refuses that, they could hire a court-approved supervisor to handle the handoff, and both parents split the cost.
Daycare or school is probably the easiest option. If that’s not possible, the police station could work.
Also, child support and visitation are separate issues. Courts don’t like it when people bring up one to argue about the other.
@Taliesin
They’re separate unless there’s a legal custody agreement. If there is, courts don’t like one parent paying support while the other keeps them from seeing their child. Since they already went to court, he should get a lawyer to set up a formal custody and visitation agreement. He should also request a transcript from court—if the judge called out his ex for being difficult, that could help his case. Many lawyers offer a free consultation, so he should take advantage of that. It’s expensive, but without legal backing, this will just keep happening.
@Bay
The only connection between child support and visitation is that the number of overnights affects the amount of support. Other than that, courts keep them separate so they don’t have to keep adjusting payments.
Examples:
- A parent can’t withhold the child just because the other parent isn’t paying support.
- Paying child support doesn’t automatically mean someone gets visitation.
- How much someone can pay doesn’t decide how many nights they get with their child.
The judge said they’d deal with visitation later. That means they’re keeping them separate.
@Bay
That’s completely wrong.
@Bay
Child support is about making sure the kid has food, clothes, and a home—whether or not the paying parent gets visitation. A parent can’t refuse to pay just because they aren’t seeing their kid.
@Bay
Just because they’re in the same court order doesn’t mean they’re actually connected.
Does the child go to daycare? A lot of parents do exchanges that way. One parent drops off in the morning, the other picks up in the evening. That way, there’s no direct contact between them.
Bela said:
Does the child go to daycare? A lot of parents do exchanges that way. One parent drops off in the morning, the other picks up in the evening. That way, there’s no direct contact between them.
He does! I didn’t even think of that. Thank you so much!
He could suggest meeting at the police station for the exchange.
Remington said:
He could suggest meeting at the police station for the exchange.
Police stations aren’t great for this unless there’s no other option (which there almost always is). Many stations actually don’t want people using them for custody exchanges. Plus, it can give people a false sense of safety. There have even been cases where exchanges at police stations turned violent. And for the child, growing up with parents who only meet at a police station isn’t a good message.
@Kavi
Any other ideas?
Remington said:
@Kavi
Any other ideas?
Before going to the police station, they should try using a neutral third party (friend, family, or professional). If that’s not possible, daycare or school exchanges are usually best.
Remington said:
He could suggest meeting at the police station for the exchange.
This worked for me! The judge agreed because I had issues with my ex in the past.
Remington said:
He could suggest meeting at the police station for the exchange.
This worked for me! The judge agreed because I had issues with my ex in the past.
Yeah, people with bad intentions usually back off when you mention the police station. If the boyfriend really wants to see his kid, he won’t mind meeting there. But if she refuses even that, then she’s just blocking visits on purpose. The judge will see that.