My son is 16. He’s lived with me since he was born, and we never had a custody order, only a child support order that designates me as the custodial parent. We have an informal agreement for overnights that’s around 70/30. I’m trying to get some space from my son’s dad since our son is older now, but his dad isn’t taking it well. He insists on knowing everything that’s happening with our son and claims he has joint custody, meaning I have to keep him informed. He says our son cannot decline to go with him and texts him several times a day. My son is overwhelmed and has even been physically ill. I want to focus on taking care of myself and my son, but I need advice on how to get his dad to back off. Thanks.
I went through this with my ex. As the custodial parent, I had to stand my ground. It became exhausting telling him everything about school and activities. I finally informed him that he needed to communicate directly with the kids. If he wanted to know about conferences, he had to set them up himself. In the end, the dads should build their own relationships with their kids. You should not force a 16-year-old to visit if they don’t want to, but you can help them understand their choices.
I’m genuinely baffled by some of these comments. OP isn’t trying to deny her ex’s custody time. She just wants him to respect her personal boundaries. Her son is 16 and should be allowed to decide how much time he wants to spend with his dad. OP’s ex doesn’t have the right to demand constant updates. That level of control can be suffocating.
Honestly, while it’s hard, it’s in your son’s best interest to have a relationship with his dad. Since there’s no formal custody order, consider mediation to create an agreement everyone can accept.
Dragging this out at 16 is crazy. You both need to listen to what your son has to say rather than squabbling.
Your son is 16. He probably wants both parents to back off a bit. He has a social life and doesn’t need to inform you both about everything he does. Dad needs to back off and let your son have some independence.
When a judge signs a child support order and you are the custodial parent, you have custody. File a motion to have a hearing and to have your son testify. He can block dad’s calls if needed. No judge will allow this behavior.
A child needs good influences, which usually means both parents. Encourage a relationship with the other parent, but it’s important to set boundaries.
At 16, your son can definitely decline visits if he wants to.
In Texas, at least in the 90s, when I was 14, the judge ruled that it was up to me if I wanted to see my dad. No one could force me.
Get a lawyer and go to court. Your son is old enough to tell a judge he doesn’t want to see his dad.
Joint legal custody means you’re both responsible for decisions, but it doesn’t mean he needs to know everything.
He’s 16 and can absolutely decline visits.
I haven’t told him that because his dad insists he doesn’t have a choice. So he goes regularly.
Ashwin said:
I haven’t told him that because his dad insists he doesn’t have a choice. So he goes regularly.
He absolutely has a choice! Explain to him he can decide and discuss the consequences. Kids need some control over their lives at 16.
At 16, if he runs away from either home and doesn’t want to return, police usually won’t enforce a return. You should go back to court to modify the custody agreement.
My husband fought for custody and when the kids didn’t want to visit anymore, the judge let them choose. If your son blocks his dad, there wouldn’t be much the dad could do.
Tell him no. Your son can mute or block his dad. At 16, your son can tell a judge he doesn’t want to visit.
Go no contact unless it’s an emergency. Your son must answer texts but is never required to take calls.
What does ‘getting space’ mean?