I have a week-on, week-off custody arrangement with my daughter’s dad for the last 10 years. He lives with his mom. Last weekend, my daughter called me, wanting to come to my house two days early.
Apparently, her dad and grandmother got into a big fight, and he threw his keys out into the front yard and left. This isn’t unusual for them—my daughter says they argue a lot. Her grandmother is very controlling, and they are both verbally abusive to each other. Anyway, my daughter is supposed to be picked up from school and go to their house tomorrow. Her dad texted me asking if his mom had talked to me about picking her up from school.
I asked him if he was back at his house, since my daughter said she didn’t know where he was staying and thought he might be living in his car. He didn’t answer me about where he was staying.
If he’s not back at his house, what am I supposed to do? My custody agreement is with him, not his mom. I don’t feel comfortable sending my daughter there without him being there, especially since he was the one who got into a fight and just left her with her grandmother.
I also don’t feel comfortable sending her wherever he’s staying now, especially since I have no idea where that even is.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any advice.
Do you worry about your daughter’s safety if she goes back to her grandmother’s house?
Are you on good enough terms with your ex to say, ‘Hey, I hear things are tough right now. Can our daughter stay with me until you and your mom sort things out?’ That could be a more cooperative solution until you can speak with a lawyer.
The bigger issue might be that living with her dad and grandmother constantly fighting could justify changing your custody agreement.
@Marlow
I don’t necessarily fear for her safety, but I do worry about him showing up and them fighting again. My daughter was scared when I got her. She shouldn’t be around that.
I’m going to try to say that to him today, but he’s difficult to deal with most of the time, so I’m not sure if he’ll respond.
I’m going to let my daughter go today and tell her to keep her phone close. I’ll keep track of whether she sees her dad at all and if they argue. If they do, she should call me immediately.
I’m also planning to call the mediation office today to see about setting up a meeting.
@WilliamMia
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Neither you nor your daughter needs this kind of stress and chaos.
I hope mediation can help work things out in a calm, logical way. It must be really hard for your daughter to focus on school when half her time is spent with two people constantly fighting.
@WilliamMia
Since he’s technically missing, and the custody order is with him—not his mom—you’re right. Your daughter doesn’t need to be around that. I’d pick her up and let him know that once he’s settled, you can discuss visits again. Do it in writing and contact the courts if he doesn’t answer.
A lot of people are saying not to send your daughter, but I wonder how many are lawyers. You need to protect your daughter, but you also don’t want to be held in contempt of court for not following a visitation order.
It’s not true that he can’t have his mom pick her up unless you have a ‘right of first refusal’ clause in your custody agreement. Even if you do, he can still have someone pick her up if he’s going to be with her. You should quickly find out more about his situation and what arrangements he’s made for picking her up. If he doesn’t respond, you may need to call his mom or your attorney to see what your options are.
You need to talk to your lawyer about filing for emergency custody. Does your custody agreement have a ‘right of first refusal’ clause? Not sending your daughter without a court order could get you in trouble, depending on the state. You could ask her dad to send you a message in writing asking if she can stay with you for now—that would give you time to get to court and make official changes.
@Hadi
If grandma usually picks your daughter up, you could get in serious trouble if her dad decides to push back. To cover yourself, let grandma pick her up. Keep texting her dad, asking if he’s going to be there. Contact your daughter in the evening, and if her dad isn’t around and she wants to come home, go get her. Let her dad know she’s with you until he’s ready. In the meantime, work on an emergency order so you don’t have to do this again.
Most custody agreements have a ‘right of first refusal’ clause, meaning if the parent can’t be with the child, they must ask the other parent first. Take your daughter back and keep her until he moves out of his mom’s house. He abandoned her, and that’s not the behavior she needs to see.
Don’t let her go back there. Go to court as soon as possible and file to change the custody agreement. How old is your daughter? At a certain age, they do ask the child what they want.
Jules said:
Don’t let her go back there. Go to court as soon as possible and file to change the custody agreement. How old is your daughter? At a certain age, they do ask the child what they want.
You need to continue following the current arrangement until you go back to court. Refusing to send her without a court order could put you in a bad spot legally. Let her grandmother pick her up if that’s how it usually works, but keep a record of her dad’s involvement, and pick your daughter up if she wants to leave. All while getting an emergency court order.
If her dad isn’t taking care of her, it’s not your responsibility to send her to someone else. Keep her with you, and maybe file for a temporary order until he’s stable again. If she wants to see him, and you’re on decent terms, offer to let him take her out for a few hours instead. It’s all about what’s best for your daughter.