What happens if I have another baby in the UK

Family Law Forum
1

Hi everyone, I’m in the UK and not sure if this is the right forum to ask, but I’d love some advice or perspective.

I had a son who I decided to keep after he was conceived in a really traumatic way. I was a single parent without much support from my family, and I didn’t have many friends. My brother was going through a tough, abusive relationship and even lied about me to social services because I wouldn’t let my son rely on him. Social services learned my weaknesses because of my mental health challenges and unfortunately, whenever they pressured me, I would drink – and things spiraled.

I went through a parenting assessment, and I passed. Later, I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but social services didn’t take that into account during my assessment. At some point, I got assigned a new social worker who seemed set against me; she even showed up on my birthday with a smile, saying, “We’re going to court.”

They pushed me to go to another assessment center that supposedly fails all the parents who go there, according to a support worker I trust. So, I refused, thinking my son would be taken anyway. At the adoption hearing, my mental health was misrepresented, and I felt like I was being singled out because I had no support.

Even my lawyer brought up my difficult past, almost like she was on their side. The judge also seemed to use my past against me, even though plenty of people have hard childhoods and go on to be good parents. As of 2024, I’m discharged from mental health services because I’m doing well. I don’t drink at all now, have a supportive partner, and his family is wonderful.

We’re thinking about having a child together, but I’m nervous. I know that each case should be different, but I’m aware that my past could be used against me. I’d be open to alcohol tests and another parenting assessment, as long as it’s not with the same place as before. I just want to know what might happen if we go ahead with having another child.

My son even told me he wanted to come home multiple times, but they claimed he was neglected. It hurts because I know he wouldn’t ask to come back if he felt that way.

Any advice or experiences you can share would mean a lot. Thanks.

2

How long have you been sober? Do you have support like a sponsor, or do you go to therapy? Have you also had counseling to help with trauma from your past? Understanding your triggers is really important. And does your partner come from a good family and have his own support system?

Fatherhood can bring out the best in someone, but it can also bring up challenges. If you’ve both talked about what kind of life you want for a family, and you’re ready for sleepless nights and the demands of a child, maybe think about talking this over with your GP and building up your health first.

3

@Harlan
I’ve been sober for about 5 months now. I go to AA meetings, and I’m waiting to get some therapy for my trauma – it’s been a struggle to get that support. I’ve done some online therapy in the past, but it got too expensive. My partner doesn’t drink, and now instead of drinking, I channel my stress into art and gaming. His family is supportive and welcoming.

I was thinking it might be a good idea to talk to my GP too. We’ve talked about having a child together or even considering adoption.

4

@Shannon
That’s a great start, and five months is a good step in the right direction. But I’d suggest waiting until you’ve been sober for at least a year before making a decision about having a child. Five months is great, but for something as big as raising a child, longer stability really helps. I’d also avoid adopting for now since it’s a big commitment, and adoptive kids may come with their own traumas.

Build up your support, get into a good routine with your partner, maybe look into some part-time work to stay connected, and when you’re really feeling strong, then you’ll be more ready to make that choice.

5

@Harlan
Thank you so much. I agree with you 100%.

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Shannon said:
@Harlan
Thank you so much. I agree with you 100%.

Glad to hear that. Stay strong and keep going.

7

I’m not a lawyer and I’m not in the UK, but from what I know, the court would evaluate your situation and decide based on your current stability. I understand wanting to start a family with your partner, but since we don’t know all the details of why the court saw you as a risk, it’s hard to say what would happen with another child. It might help to talk to a lawyer to understand what steps to take to reassure the court if the time comes.

8

I’m not in the UK, but if there’s anyone in your life from before who made reports on you regarding your son, it’s best to cut ties with them.

The situation with your son might still be on record, so if someone reports you in the future, the history could come up again. Moving away and starting fresh could help, but you should also prepare for the possibility of social services checking in if you have another child.

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@Haru
Yeah, I’ve cut ties with those people.

10

If I understand correctly, your first child was removed and adopted, and now you’re thinking about having a second child and wondering if they might get involved again. Is that right?

11

Peyton said:
If I understand correctly, your first child was removed and adopted, and now you’re thinking about having a second child and wondering if they might get involved again. Is that right?

Yes, that’s right. My previous son was adopted.