I’m wondering how it works if one parent asks to split up siblings, like in our case, where the current custody order says both children should have parenting time with the non-custodial parent. But now, the non-custodial parent only wants to have time with one child, not both, during some visits. They also only want overnights with the same child. The kids are 4 and 1. I really don’t want to split them up for a lot of reasons. I’m just curious about how family courts typically view something like this.
I assume the parent wants to spend time with the 4-year-old alone sometimes? It’s pretty normal for a parent to want one-on-one time with an older child to do age-appropriate things, but sometimes they might have both. I totally get why you might want the other parent to have a break though! Is there a chance you can work this out with the non-custodial parent? Things might change once the younger one is older.
@Sky
That’s my concern too, that it might not change once the younger one is older. And he’s not asking for one-on-one time to bond with the little one. If it was really about wanting quality time with one child, I’d be okay with it. I’d even see it as a chance to have quality time with each kid myself. But that’s not the case. The non-custodial parent has been hinting for a while that he would prefer to only have our oldest during his time. He’s told me before he didn’t want our second child, multiple times, and it’s so obvious how much he favors the oldest. I know the baby is young, but it still hurts to see. I fear he’s setting a dangerous pattern that will hurt both kids as they grow up. It’s heartbreaking to think of my youngest feeling rejected, and for my oldest to watch their dad treat them differently. It’s just not okay.
@Baylen
He will want to see the younger one too once he’s a bit older. That’s usually how it goes.
Make sure to keep track of all the time the kids spend with each parent.
The court doesn’t force a parent to take their kids during their parenting time. It’s their time, but they don’t have to use it. If the other parent doesn’t want the child, do you really want them to be there?
Younger kids often have fewer overnights than older kids, but the goal is usually for them to get more time as they get older. This kind of step-up plan should be in the parenting plan. By the time the younger one is 18 months to 2 years old, there should be more regular overnights.
You can’t make someone be a better parent, and the court can’t either, but it’s a good idea to meet with a lawyer to protect yourself in case the younger child starts noticing the favoritism. Maybe include something like play therapy in the plan for when that happens. And make sure child support reflects that the non-custodial parent isn’t doing overnight visits.
@Zion
Thanks for your response. That makes sense. I guess what I’m unsure about is how to handle the situation when they ask to only have one child and leave the other behind. That would technically go against the current plan. We’re also working on a permanent parenting plan and I want to make sure the overnights and schedule are fair moving forward. Right now, the kids sleep in the same room, go to bed and wake up together, so I worry that splitting them up could hurt their relationship and create division.
@Baylen
I totally get where you’re coming from. Treating the kids so differently will definitely cause issues as they get older. But this is also going to be a problem for the court. As mentioned, the non-custodial parent can’t really be forced to use their visitation, but they could lose the time if they don’t use it. No court would want to see a parent punishing the younger child by not spending time with them. However, they’d likely be reluctant to change the older child’s time to make things ‘fair’ to the younger one, because that would punish the older child for something they didn’t do. That said, a judge probably wouldn’t let this go on forever.
Start documenting the favoritism now. You can agree to less time with the younger one due to their age, but make sure to include a plan that increases their time as they get older. By the time the youngest is 3, he should have equal time with both kids. If that doesn’t happen, it’ll be time to address it in court again. Hopefully, dad will come around before then.
@Baylen
Have you documented your concerns in writing? You should definitely make sure to note that you don’t think it’s healthy for one child to get more time with the parent than the other. It’s important to show that this favoritism could hurt the kids’ relationship with each other and with their parent.
In situations like this, all you can really do is keep track of everything. If the other parent doesn’t want to take their time, you’ll have to deal with that, but at least you’ll be prepared. You can ask for both kids to have overnights together, but it’s hard to enforce. You’d need a history of the non-custodial parent not taking their time to have any real chance at modifying the schedule.
@Zion
We don’t use email, but we do use a court-ordered app to communicate, and I’ve definitely expressed my concerns. Right now, he’s only taking about half of his scheduled time with the kids, and no overnights yet. My oldest is already in play therapy, and I’ve made a note in my app about how play therapy will be necessary for the youngest once he’s older too. It’s just such a mess trying to figure all this out!
@Baylen
You’re doing everything right. Keep advocating for them like you have been, and trust me, you’re doing a great job.
