Me 33 (F) filed for divorce from STBXH 42 (M) and we share 4 minor children. I spoke with a lawyer who was much more knowledgeable than the first one I spoke to. She discussed legal strategies and gave me a clear idea of how this divorce is most likely going to play out. Question: how much custody should a parent get who struggles with substance abuse? This lawyer stated that I’m being VERY generous even considering agreeing to a 50/50 custody split and I should most likely seek sole legal and physical custody for me with him having every other weekend. She stated he has shown he can’t do much more over the past 2 years other than drink (couldn’t get a new job after getting fired, not participating in the kids’ stuff, etc.) and she also said I should seek a court order that states he cannot drink while in the presence of his children. I mentioned him being a very long and heavy drinker and that if he went 1 day without drinking he would most likely have seizures. This is a very difficult thing for me because even though I cannot be married to this man anymore, I absolutely do NOT want to take his children from him. I know he is most likely depressed and suffering an illness but I feel like the kids deserve to make their own opinions about him as they get older. Does anyone have experience with child custody and an ex-spouse who suffered substance abuse? What is the standard here and what seems fair?
Look. She handled the legal bit. So here is the practical bit. A man that goes into DTs is in no fit state to watch minor children. If he wants to be a parent, he needs medical assistance. He will need to detox with medical oversight and then get into treatment. Your attorney was being nice in how she said that. Remember you can always revise custody later once he gets a handle on his problem.
I’m a child of an alcoholic, & also in recovery, NAL. I just want to share my perspective. Alcoholics are not known for wise-minded decision-making. I had many experiences as a child I wish I could forget, & I also put my own child through similar experiences. It’s YOUR responsibility to protect them, until they can protect themselves. I agree with you seeking sole legal & physical custody. If you want him to have more of a relationship with his kids, make it accessible to him.
Make him get on a recovery plan as part of his parental visitation. As he completes it he gets more time. Start with limited supervised visitation. It’s easier to give more time later as he improves than it can be to take it away if he doesn’t or worse gets worse.
I do! My ex had substance abuse issues, I got full custody and he got supervised visitation. He’s been working on his sobriety for a year and wants to revisit the custody schedule.
My daughter has just turned 18 and is on her way to new college Oxford. Just because someone is an addict doesn’t mean they don’t love or can’t care for their child.
I would absolutely not give them shared custody. They are an addict who has done little to nothing to gain sobriety. It’s cruel and frankly dangerous to even consider leaving the kids in his care.
Think what is in the best interest of the child/children. The children’s safety trumps dad’s custody.
I can say from personal experience, supervised visits and breathalyzer is the best option. Mine also had to commit to AA two times per week and complete an outpatient alcohol program.
I had an alcoholic father growing up. You need to put them above what he may or may not think. If a lawyer is advising you for sole physical and legal and he gets visits every other weekend, then that is what you will do.
The parent with the substance abuse should only get time once they’ve taken a test to prove they are clean/sober. Also, only supervised as well.
It is what is best for the children that matters. He has to be fit to care for them, and if he isn’t then supervised visitation is the safest option.
Have you heard of SoberLink? It’s a breathalyzer with a camera hooked up to an app, can be court ordered during his visitation to ensure he is sober while looking after them.
The thing I learned very quickly, is that no matter what you do or offer, they’re going to feel like you’re taking the kids from them. Your children matter more than your feelings or his feelings.
You are putting your kids at risk by allowing him near them. I would go for full custodial and legal custody for now but get a step-up plan.
We still live together but they aren’t with him left in his care. I cannot get him to move out without a court order so that is currently what I’m working on.
Does he drink all day or does he only drink at night?
Only at night. From about 4pm-midnight.
If you spoke with me, I would propose something similar based solely on the facts presented: Supervised visits for a minimum of 3 months on weekends only; sole physical and legal for you during this time.
This is the way to keep the kids safest. Focus on the kids. His feelings are irrelevant if he can’t/wont get help for himself.