There hasn’t been any domestic violence on my part (she has slapped me and physically hurt me in the past), but there has been emotional abuse from both parties from arguments. The restraining order has been denied until the court hearing, and there will be mediation for child custody. She’s asking for one week off and on, then for sole custody once the child is of school age. Do I need a lawyer for this? I agree that we should separate, but she wants me out now. I told her I needed time to find a place, but she isn’t ok with that. I don’t want to leave and then not be able to see my daughter. I’m thinking it’s better to stay as long as possible since I pay the rent and most of the bills. She doesn’t have a job, and if I’m out of the picture, I’m afraid that’ll create a stressful environment for the children. Her perspective is that the children are better off not seeing us fighting, which I agree. I can keep it cordial, but any little disagreement we have and her lid pops off.
I have firsthand experience with almost the exact same situation and in California.
The first thing that you need to do is get a lawyer, like everyone else is saying.
Second, do not speak to her unless you are recording it with your phone or another device. Make sure to inform her every time you start recording that she is being recorded. You do not need her permission or approval to record her, but EVERY RECORDING needs to start with you informing her that you are recording.
Third, do not leave the ‘family’ home. If you do, you are almost guaranteed to lose in court.
When you go to court for the DVRO, she will absolutely lie about a ton of stuff that never happened. Your only response to each and every one of these allegations should be ‘I vehemently deny this unfounded allegation.’
Also, you should immediately begin collecting evidence of her physical and verbal abuse towards you, especially anyone that was at the party that saw her strike you, and most importantly, that you did not hit her back.
It doesn’t matter that the lease is in her name; if you have lived there with her for a few months and your mail gets delivered there, then it is considered your legal residence, and she can’t just kick you out.
There is a lot more I want to tell you about how to protect yourself and your children, but my dinner is ready. Feel free to PM me, and we can talk more.
Best.
Do I need a lawyer for this?
Yes, like yesterday
I agree that we should separate but she wants me out now. I told her I needed time to find a place, but she isn’t ok with that.
Unless she has a restraining order to keep you out of the house, there is nothing she can do.
I don’t want to leave and then not be able to see my daughter.
You shouldn’t; you don’t want it to be twisted into ‘abandonment’ in court.
I’m thinking it’s better to stay as long as possible since I pay the rent and most of the bills.
It is, even better if she isn’t on the lease and you can kick her to the curb.
She doesn’t have a job, and if I’m out of the picture I’m afraid that’ll create a stressful environment for the children.
If you leave, you are just setting yourself up to get stuck with absurd child support; she sounds like an unfit parent and you should push for full custody.
Her perspective is that the children are better off not seeing us fighting, which I agree. I can keep it cordial, but any little disagreement we have and her lid pops off.
She sounds mentally unfit and you should use the previous cases of physical abuse from her to get a restraining order.
Yes, you need a lawyer, ASAP. Either start recording each and every interaction with her with your phone or get one of those spy pens to record more secretly.
You absolutely need a lawyer. Do not give her sole custody. Minimize your interaction with her until you move out. Record her when she acts like a fool and keep your phone out to record; your attorney can listen/see even if you are in a two-party consent state. Don’t leave until there are court orders. Look into parenting apps (AppClose is free).
@Joss
This^
You need a lawyer. She lied to keep you from your child. There is literally nothing she won’t do to ‘win.’
Absolutely get a lawyer. She is fighting dirty and now is the time to know your legal options. She can’t unilaterally decide everything.
I am not an attorney but I understand how you feel. My ex was able to get a restraining order on me based on words. It’s starting to get ridiculous out here.
For the injunction she will have to prove there was violence. The injunction you can defend yourself on your own. See if you can bring friends that were around often to say they never saw anything. But it will basically be her word against yours unless she has evidence. Stay calm, stick to facts, don’t insult. Make sure you have questions prepared for her.
For custody and CS, you need a lawyer.
Are you on the birth certificate? Do not leave the house. Can you move to a different room?
I would make sure you have your phone on you at all times and buy a dashcam just in case. Next time she hits you, call the police.
She will absolutely withhold your kid from you, since you said she has done it before. Staying is the only way to stay present, and she can’t move anywhere because she isn’t working.
@Val
She has recordings of our fights; I’ve never physically touched her but we have traded insults. She did slap me at a party in front of people and broke things at home. She’s also slapped a beer out of my hand outside a bar. Just recently, she was upset and threw a butter knife into the kitchen basin while she was walking by while I was washing the dishes. I called her out on it, and she said it wasn’t a big deal and that I was trying to shift away from the real problem. I just don’t know how to bring it up in court while I’m the one being examined.
@Aza
California is a ‘two-party consent’ state. The recordings are inadmissible, and she could go to jail for having them unless the recordings were made in public.
Remington said:
@Aza
California is a ‘two-party consent’ state. The recordings are inadmissible, and she could go to jail for having them unless the recordings were made in public.
That is not correct! In California, all you have to do is inform the other party that they are being recorded at the very beginning of the recording, and you do not need their consent.
@Linden
That’s what consent is. If you tell someone the conversation is being recorded and they continue talking, then they have consented.
@Aza
Get someone from the party or the bar to testify that they’ve seen her be physically aggressive and slap you. Trading insults is probably most since you both did it. State that you’re worried she will not only withhold the kids but that her temper is uncontrolled and you worry the extra stress of struggling to pay bills may make her lash out at the kids.
If you leave, how is she paying the rent? Does she expect you to? Also, is it in your name or hers?
My son has gone through something similar. When they first split, neither had an attorney, and they came up with a schedule that worked for both of them. And for a year or so that worked until she became involved with someone else. She slowly tried to limit the time my son had with his son. She eventually filed some BS complaint and lawyered up. My son didn’t and he lost a lot of what they had already agreed on.
Then she got pregnant and engaged. Almost yearly she makes up some reason to keep them in court. This last time she accused him of medically neglecting my grandson because she insists he has asthma. He doesn’t.
Finally, the judge ordered a guardian ad litem, and both of them and my grandson were interviewed. It came out that she wants my son to have very limited contact with his son because she wants to be a family with her new family and my son doesn’t fit. The report from the GAL went in my son’s favor, and finally, the judge put an end to her BS… 'til next time. My son now has his 50-50 custody back and she’s been warned she could lose even more if she keeps it up.
I say all this to say it took money and a lawyer for this to happen. Had he gone in on his own he would have lost just about everything.
Get a lawyer. Obviously she’s not above pulling some crap if she’s already filed for a restraining order. Don’t chance it.
@Gale
A lawyer costs money. Reddit is free.
I guess you get what you pay for. Once the ex got a lawyer, your son had it. That raised it to a different level.
Everyone says get a lawyer; that’s not always easy. Just so you know, typically $6,000 for a family law attorney as far as my knowledge goes. But for sure, check it out, you will need one.
Eli said:
Everyone says get a lawyer; that’s not always easy. Just so you know, typically $6,000 for a family law attorney as far as my knowledge goes. But for sure, check it out, you will need one.
That’s why you make a payment plan 
Eli said:
Everyone says get a lawyer; that’s not always easy. Just so you know, typically $6,000 for a family law attorney as far as my knowledge goes. But for sure, check it out, you will need one.
Finding someone who does family law can be tough. The attorneys I know hate doing family law. People get crazy when emotions run the show.